• Criteria Systems

    Let's get down with some movie reviews. Lots of vulgarity

    My wife would like me to stop using f-bombs and maybe cut back on how often I’m saying “cock” and...
    You’ve probably noticed my adorable obsession with Paul Thomas Anderson and I have no qualms...
    My wife did NOT enjoy that joke. Titanic won an epic fuck-ton of Oscars, seriously. At the 1998...
  • About

    Film reviewer extraordinaire

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    Who is David?

    I’m David. I am a film reviewer for Criteria Systems where we attempt to categorize the uncategorizable. I work decidedly on films – a medium I believe depends almost entirely on feeling and emotional response – to categorize and rank them. This is obviously a practice in futility because some of my favorite films rank pretty low (Hocus Pocus, The Big Lebowski) and some of my least favorites (Crash, Inception) have the highest numbers. While doing this for film is quite a challenging exercise, I’m just happy I’m not the guy categorizing music. My background is in data analytics, using numbers and trends to improve existing systems. This involves the study of the volumes, varieties and velocity of data and turning these into tangible changes to increase…. you guessed it, revenue!


    This kind of career, analyzing data and putting into graphs and charts that big-picture guys (it’s always guys, I’m not being a misogynist) can follow in board rooms so that they can find ways to maximize successes and minimize failures, allows me to use my analytical mind in challenging and interesting ways. However it does not allow me any creativity – hence my participation in this review system. Using measurables categorize films allows me to see the limitations of data when not being used to increase revenue. It keeps me from becoming too singularly focused.


    My wife, a legal aid and expert fact-checker, will be helping me with details and proof-reading when she’s not hard at work at the personal injury law firm where she supports a family practice in Gulfport, MS. We have remarkably different taste in film – her all-time favorite is My Fair Lady which is a fine film, but I don’t believe it belongs in anyone’s top spot! In turn, she scoffs at my favoritism of Magnolia claiming, “it’s not even P.T. Anderson’s finest.” This varying taste should allow us to maintain at least an air of objectivity. And for what it’s worth – P.T. Anderson doesn’t even have a finest. In my opinion, everything he does is beautiful and profound and cannot be ranked against his other work.